i’m sorry that what’s best is also the worst

I’m tired. So tired.

I can’t remember what it’s like to be genuinely happy.

I wish it never had to be like this, but it is. I wish you never had to hate me, but you do. I wish you would reach out to me, but you won’t.

I’m sorry, so damn sorry, for so many things. I’m so sorry we weren’t able to make it work, I’m so sorry I couldn’t do it anymore, mostly though,

I’m sorry that what’s best is also the worst..

I think sometimes to myself about how lucky I was to have you, even for the short time that I did. But then I think to myself sometimes about how much easier it would have been for both of us had we just stayed friends.

I can’t not look at your social media, all the girls you’ve started following, I can’t not compare myself to them. I can’t not feel like you’ve already found someone better.

 Maybe better for you doesn’t necessarily mean better than me, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I wanted to be the best for you.

That doesn’t take away from the fact that I wanted to be the girl who was lucky enough to end up with you forever. I wanted you to be mine, and always mine.

I can’t sit here and say that I don’t want you to be happy, because that’s the whole reason I ended this in the first place, someone will make you happier than I could. But I feel like I’m still wishing that one day it will still be you. I feel like I’m hoping you’ll come back and realize where we went wrong, ask me if I want to try again, and everything will be perfect. I feel like I’m holding out for a fantasy that my heart knows will never happen. 

So for now I guess I’ll just go through the motions each day, and hopefully time will heal. But most importantly, hopefully time will bring back our friendship at least, because losing you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.