it was good, so good, until it wasn’t good

I’m so stupidly heartbroken. I’m so crazy to think that he feels the same way I do. I don’t even know how things were able to get this bad… a week ago we were sleeping next to each other whispering i love you into each others ears, and today we aren’t even friends on Facebook anymore.

I don’t understand. I’ll never understand.

Cause it was good, so good… until it wasn’t good.

I’ve never fallen for someone so hard in such a short amount of time. I’ve never loved someone else’s family as much as I loved his. I’ve never pictured my future and felt pain when thinking about the possibility of him not being in it. Until now.

I had to make the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life. I had to make a decision that has left me in pieces, with no one to pick them up for me. I had to make a decision that I thought was best for both of us, and I’ve had to sit here and beat myself up about it because my heart does not agree.

I had to be the one to end this, because your happiness felt absent. It felt like you had checked out, and you deserve to love someone you don’t just go through the motions for, just as I deserve to be loved by someone who wants to give me what I need.

But it doesn’t, my God, it does not make this any easier. In fact, I think it makes things harder. Every piece of me still wants to be with you, to wake up tomorrow and have this all had been a bad dream. Every ache in my heart wants to run back to you and cry in your arms, as if you would even take me back at this point anyways.

I hate myself for letting things get so bad, I hate myself for not being the girl that you needed,

I hate myself for needing more than you could give me. 

And you may hate me right now too, but I hope to God that one day we will both feel like this was the best decision for us. I hope to God one day I’ll forgive myself, you’ll forgive me. But most importantly, I hope to God that one day I’ll get over you, because right now it feels like happiness is never going to be obtainable again. Because I don’t feel like I can be happy without you.